GABRIEL’S STORY: Porn Scars and Leaves Haunting Marks Inside of You

Please check out GABRIEL’S STORY, which describes how unwanted porn exposure as a child traumatized him and harmed his familial and other relationships. Please don’t forget to SHARE AND COMMENT! We will pass on a link to this post to Gabriel so he can read your feedback. Thanks!

PORN SCARS AND LEAVES HAUNTING MARKS INSIDE OF YOU

~ By Gabriel (male, 21, Sydney, Australia, found AntiPornography.org through YouTube)

Porn harms in a big way. This is my story.

I was 13 when I first saw a pornographic movie. The sex was rough and unloving. The guy grabbed the female by the throat and cussed at her as they did their thing. As I watched my insides twisted and churned with emotions I couldn’t even process. I was too young and didn’t fully understand what I was seeing on the screen, so comprehending that and my emotions at the same time was impossible. As I watched I felt like I left my body and went back in again. I was shocked, emotionally sledgehammered, but paradoxically incredibly turned on by seeing a completely naked female for the first time.

The whole experience burned on my mind like a permanent mental branding. I internalised my confusion. I packed it away to process and look at another time but I couldn’t shake those scenes from my mind for days after. The movie fascinated me sexually and from them on I saw a lot of porn.

My real problem was that my dad has never had a job and was always at home. He was really into porn and just used to sit around the house watching porn videos on the TV in our living room during the day while my mom was at work, so my siblings and I didn’t have a choice about viewing it because we couldn’t help but see it. This was especially true during school vacation times as us kids were home every day.

Later on, as I started my own sexual relationships as a late teen, I found I couldn’t connect with my partner emotionally during or after lovemaking. It was like I was an empty shell. I just switched off from them although I wanted nothing more than to feel love. From foreplay onwards, I always felt the same feelings coming back up inside me as I felt the first time I’d ever seen pornography as a 13 year old. It happened to me the first time I was ever physically intimate with a female and it shook me to the core. During lovemaking I felt the same shock, the same weird emotions, the same kind of out-of-body feelings.

Those emotions from when I was 13 had been around the whole time and came out forcefully to tell me they were still around. They screamed in my face from deep inside: “Don’t you forget about us!” Instead of enjoying intimacy with my partners and growing in sexual confidence with them, I grew more and more unconfident, more nervous and more self conscious.

At my worst point, last year, I became impotent for a time as lovemaking just got so stressful for me and emotionally difficult to deal with. I think my body’s refusal to get an erection was my own subconscious refusal to make love. I didn’t enjoy lovemaking. I just felt numb. I wanted more than anything in this world to feel LOVE when I made love, instead of stress and nervousness.

Right now I’m blessed with a really caring and understanding partner but I feel so guilty about the way I am. I’m currently in therapy and gradually I’m starting to change. My confidence is growing. My guilt is lifting. The negative emotions are not so strong. I love my girlfriend so so much for sticking with me over a difficult time. She always says to me: “I love you, you’ll get better, I’m with you for good so get used to it.” Yeah, of course I love her too.

It makes me sick when I think of all the people who don’t know that their partner or ex-partner has put their private home-made videos up onto porn sites for thousands of strangers to see. That is so wrong and abusive. It’s violating. I hate porn and I wish I’d never seen any porn at all because of how it gave me such a warped idea of my own body image, what sex is, and what lovemaking really is. I’d be glad for the whole industry to collapse and disappear as there is no doubt, no doubt at all that porn harms. It scars and leaves haunting marks inside you that cruelly play with your heart and mind. Porn harms.

I just hope that even if one parent who is like my father comes across your site and reads my story then they will have some respect for themselves, their partner and their family and stop the harm they are doing.

Thank you for your wonderful AntiPornographyBlog YouTube channel and your awesome website. Good luck with your fight and BLESS YOU.

LINK TO STORY:

http://www.antipornography.org/harm_stories.html#147244

READ MORE HARM STORIES:

http://www.antipornography.org/harm_stories.html

Link to AntiPornographyBlog YouTube channel:

http://www.youtube.com/AntiPornographyBlog

Please don’t forget to like, comment on and share this story to spread the word about the harms of porn and to support the cause. Thanks!

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